


milagro

by satansdolls



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, Lowercase, M/M, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 23:22:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20266213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satansdolls/pseuds/satansdolls
Summary: he could already tell that his angel wouldn't be having the best of days. the demons in his head being too dark for the usually vibrant boy to shine over, too dark for the light to be able to glimmer through his cloudy eyes.//✰// the ballad of me and my brain.





	1. i like it when you sleep

**Author's Note:**

> hello, before you begin reading, please be aware that "milagro" contains trigger warnings !
> 
> please do not continue if you are sensitive to such themes. <3
> 
> thank you !

the beige, retro, alarm clock that sat on the white bedside table read 7:21am.

felix could guess it was going to be one of those cloudy days again, judging by the dim, drowsy light that flooded the room through the large window.

he sighed.

it was those white against grey marbled skies, that made felix feel most at ease. the sun not being bright enough to seep it's light through the thick clouds like it deserved to.

the dense fog that weighed down the visibility was a calming sight to wake up to, he decided. the soft pattering sound of what he recognized as rain against the roof of their home served an equally calming noise.

except the noise then started to become borderline bothersome after a while. the gentle pattering of the rain started to sound like a harsh thudding, and the room started to look dimmer, and darker than before.

only fidgeting slightly, he realized he was trapped in a warm, milky pair of arms. the comforting smell of the nightly, citrusy, mist chan insisted on spraying lightly on himself drifted towards felix's nose, and he noticed that cloth clad legs were intertwined with his own bare ones. then, a steady heart beat against his back to match his own.

suddenly, the pristine white sheets he laid on felt uncomfortably cold, the fluffy comforter that covered his socked feet felt suffocating, and the skin stretching across his bones felt too tight. the arms that encased felix's smaller body felt too snug against his ribs, and—

he felt like he wasn't breathing life in anymore, only fire and smoke.

//✰//


	2. for you are so beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for:  
\- implied eating disorders  
\- hinted depression  
\- voices

//✰ //

a toxic habit, the online forums said. a habit so terrible, it seemed to mend you and break you at the same time. a habit so wretched, that it had shattered his brain without giving up it's control over it, letting the glass reflect his lifeless insides over his once twinkling eyes and scrape down the soft freckled cheeks.

but it's okay, he thought. the damage wasn't as permanent as it could have been. after all, he had survived even if it wasn't expected.

yeah, his heart started making up a weird beat of it's own for a while.

(he liked to think his own heartbeat served an even more calming sound than the rain.)

yeah, his skin took a sickly pale hue after he had completed his most effective, three-month diet yet. 

(his secret was eating guilt for breakfast.)

yeah, his bones got so weak that he had to take those stupidly gross vitamins that weren't prescribed to avoid any more visits to the hospital that he and his wallet couldn't afford, but—

his teeth remained pearly and his body looked sickly enough for people to stop and wonder if the boy ever ate.

("hey, felix ! you're starting to look like skin and bones.")

sometimes, he missed such comments. the comments that were full of concern, but fueled him and fed that toxic part of him so well. like a comfort blanket, warm but scratchy, itchy with the feeling of liability weighing on his mind.

(his body alone probably weighed more than the thought.)

the thought alone made him feel like clawing at his muscled thighs, squeeze at the speckled cheeks, scrape along the delicate skin of his forearms, and resort back to his old ways.

though these days, he couldn't find any extra skin to grab.

(it's probably hidden.)

but he couldn't now. even if people were expecting him to, those people being his friends and therapist. they would all be the type to say that it was ok, that it's part of the recovery process. shower him with what they thought were comforting words, but only translated to the absolute worst in his mind.

(you're gaining weight.)

//✰ //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eating disorder hotlines:  
\- 1-800-931-2237  
\- 1-847-831-3438  
\- they are both available 24/7, please do not be afraid to call them if you need help.
> 
> <3


	3. yet so unaware of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depression and suicide hotline:  
\- 866-488-7386  
\- they are available 24/7, please don't be afraid to call them whenever you're in need !

//✰ //

it was days like these, white against grey marbled skies, that made his mind feel most at chaos.

those warm limbs that hugged him, all of the sudden gripped him tighter now.

_ "good morning, angel."_

along with the gentle greeting, it brought a tiny peck on the crook of his neck. soft lips caressing the dotted, contrasting marks on his skin.

even then, that warm timbre seemed to summon a single tear upon his face, letting it cascade down the right side of the smooth skin, seeping through the thin pillow case.

_ "good morning, hyung."_

his shaky voice broke the still atmosphere of the room. he felt his bottom lip wobble, as much as he didn't want it to. desperately, a row of ivory clamped down on the plush skin of his lip to stop the whimpers from escaping, to try and grasp that small bit of control that he had left.

felix was definitely not about to break out in cries this early in the morning and ruin a potentially good day.

(but it was already ruined.)

and then those warm, welcoming arms separated from his body. they slid out from underneath his arms, and the hands that belonged to his boyfriend now moved to splay across the small span of his hips, effectively turning felix around to face the only source of constant light these days.

now it was chan's turn to sigh.

not out of frustration, not out of anger, but out of desperation. as his own hazy, morning dazed eyes flickered across the dancer's face, chan could already tell that his angel wouldn't be having the best of days. the demons in his head being too dark for the usually vibrant boy to shine over, too dark for the light to be able to glimmer through his cloudy eyes.

what chan wanted most these days was for the monsters that roamed felix's mind to leave his lover alone.

(he had wished upon every star in the sky.)

_"baby, can you open those pretty eyes for me ?"_

damp eyelashes fluttered open and even during these moments of sadness, felix still radiated beauty. teeth firmly clamped over the pillowy, coral-tinted lips he loved to kiss, containing every slight cry his body wanted to let loose. with one lightly calloused finger, chan gently pried felix's bottom lip away from under it's capture. he observed the way felix then gently let out a soft, shuddered gasp. biting his lip again before quickly letting go of those short breaths that were held in.

_ "it's alright, darling, you're safe here with me."_

felix only started to cry harder.

_ "you're allowed to let go, baby."_

chan whispered.

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading "milagro" ! it means the world to me.
> 
> this story was loosely inspired by one of my favorite albums titled: "i like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it" by the 1975.
> 
> it was also based off of my own thoughts and experiences.
> 
> as it is my first story, please be kind to it. i'm accepting feedback and/or constructive criticism !
> 
> you are special, you are loved.
> 
> t h a n k y o u <3


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